Why I Need Breaker HQ: Guest Writer, Sarah.
Six weeks into returning to work full time after a year of maternity leave with my first and wow the mental load, mum guilt and juggle is a lot!
Building a successful career has always been a big focus and something I’ve worked extremely hard to achieve. I’ve known having financial stability is an aspect of life I always wanted to achieve for myself but also for my future family - which for a while looked like it might just be me, my husband, and fur baby. I’m also a self confessed control freak and classic Type A personality type. It’s a well known joke that I have a spreadsheet, plan or list for everything. So when I was getting ready to go on mat leave and starting to slow down from working at 110% through most of my pregnancy, everyone said to me that my priorities as well as the ability to plan things might change after having my daughter. I laughed and internally said to myself “have you met me?”
Fast forward 12 months, and my priorities both in life and in my career have - as everyone said they would - changed thanks to the helping hands of the mother’s mental load, mum guilt, and at times pure overwhelm. Whilst I’m still in the very early days of finding my new rhythm and routine as a full time working mum, there have been a few recent conversations and experiences that really got me thinking.
Mum guilt. I’d experienced it a few times throughout mat leave but it has really hit hard since returning to work. My daughter is my world and whilst I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness as my maternity leave was coming to an end, the thought of being able to stimulate my brain and have a hot coffee, was something a small part of me couldn’t wait for. Although in an ideal world I wouldn’t have had to, I’ve returned to work full time with my husband dropping to part time, and a tiny part of me (this changes hourly!) feels a little proud that I’ll be able to support my family financially and continue to be the breadwinner of our little unit. However, then mum guilt kicks in. Will she love me less because I'm now not with her 24/7? Is she going to be delayed with walking if I’m not there to practice with her? Was I present enough during her first year? Why didn’t I enjoy every moment? Am I a bad mum for wanting to have some me time? All questions I’m sure fellow parents can relate to and whilst I know my daughter is thriving and we have the strongest bond, my brain still plays these tricks on me.
trying to juggle the mental load…
Mental Load - the phrase I think my husband is now sick of hearing even though I feel like it is the hardest thing to explain. With my inner control freak taking the lead, I always feel like doing things myself will guarantee the job gets done (and some jobs clearly done better too…) but this has led to historically taking on too much, both personally and professionally, resulting in close calls with burn out. Now add on being a mum, and then returning to work, and my god has the mental load been taken to another level! Whilst my husband is an amazing hands on dad, the reality of being the parent on maternity leave means I am naturally the default parent organising appointments; researching baby stages, toys & whether x is normal (you should see my google search history); organising playdates to stimulate my daughter’s brain and to keep myself sane; looking after the house including the endless loads of washing; looking after the dog; keeping family around the world up to date with milestones; maintaining friendships (mostly thanks to memes or TikToks); and all this before I’ve even thought about washing my hair… Now add in returning to work and the pressure of being the breadwinner, including organising childcare in a city where waitlists are endless and prices sky high, and my brain is, on some days about, to burst! I know I’m not the first or last person to experience this, but experiencing it for the first time is a whole new part of the journey and the juggle I didn’t expect.
“The reality has hit me even harder than before, that having a place like Breaker would allow me the breathing space to crack on with work knowing my daughter is happy being cared for nearby whilst I can grab a coffee with someone new to expand my network, quickly get my nails done without missing bedtime, or meet a friend to cry over the mental load whilst in the same breath wanting to do it all still ourselves.”
I feel unbelievably grateful to have a strong network of friends, family and of course my amazing husband (who definitely gets the brunt of things) who have all supported me when it has felt a bit much at times.
However, the best thing has been chatting to other women who are both mothers and have a successful career, and knowing the rollercoaster journey I’m on is one that has been ridden so many times before. The tips & tricks and just sharing of experiences both of motherhood and work life has helped me to reflect on what I want - and also what I don’t want - in my life.
The reality is that having somewhere like the space Breaker is aiming to offer would allow me to feel this community everyday and not just on those overwhelming days. As I was searching for a coffee shop to work from in order to be out of the house to avoid my daughter crying for me whilst in a family member’s rota’d care, I sent Caroline a frantic text… “I NEED BREAKER HQ!”